What Do Men Want?
The “He Says, She Says” Blog you’ve been waiting for is written by Doug Stern, professional writer, and Lori Mendelsohn, professional matchmaker. The two of us met on Bumble and thought we’d give co-writing a go!
First things, first. My disclaimer: I won’t speak for men.
Nevertheless, I’ve been a man all my life and I’ve known lots of men. So, I have a pretty good idea or two about what it is about a woman that might appeal to a man. And, I have lots of projections about what I want that I assume other men want that may or may not fit with that other fellow.
Whew! End of disclaimer.
OK, seriously. In a word, it’s fair to say that men want partnership in intimate relationships.
Equality might be another way to say that.
I’ll give you an example. Let’s say that I realize that I’m into you, a woman. (Sometimes that happens quickly, sometimes slowly.) Anyway, if you and I have a thing or are going to have a thing, it’s going to depend on reciprocity (or on lots of therapy). We’re going to have to be into one another honestly into one another for us to have something sustainable. No pretending. No acting as if.
That will look all kinds of ways. Simply put, I lean in to you, you lean in to me, repeat.
That doesn’t necessarily mean men and women have to be mirrors of one another in order to be mutually attractive or to have sustainable relationships. Or, maybe it does, since it’s impossible to accurately and dependably generalize. It all depends on the man. In fact, some men might actually choose (consciously or not) to sign up for being miserable…in their jobs, in their relationships, and so on.
Every man has an image of The Ideal Woman embedded somewhere in his DNA. Or, in his bones and balls. Or, in his lizard brain. For some of us, that image is wrapped in a string of pearls and Proust. For others, it’s packed into sweats, a hoodie and Real Housewives of New Jersey.
But it all boils down to this: Meet me where I am.
Doug Stern, Author
Doug can be reached at: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dougsternwriter/
When I’m asked what it is that men want, it’s easy to generalize and robotically say “XYZ!” (Most people think I’ll say “big boobs, a nice rear end, great sense of humor and money)
However, we all know that each human is different with a different set of needs and wants. To blatantly give a broad-brush stroke answer doesn’t honor either sex, and frankly, wrong. As a professional matchmaker, it’s my job to help women and men understand each other on a deeper level.
Here are some observations, based on importance of what men have told me:
- Men want a close, intimate, sexual relationship. Many men gauge their “worth” on their virility and sense of self on it. So, if a man is not having sex with someone, my knowledge tells me they will find someone who WILL have sex with them.
- They want to be acknowledged for what they put into a relationship. Like trees, men’s egos need the nurturing of words, physical touch and communication that they are needed.
- They need room in the relationship. As strong women, we often make the mistake that we can do everything. (Well, almost everything) The fallacy is, if we do everything, that doesn’t leave room for the man in the relationship. And without a place/space/room in a relationship, the balance is uneven and they will eventually look for a situation where a woman who has room, welcomes him. And I’m not talking about the man cave, here.
- Men aren’t mind readers, so they like to be told, in a compassionate and kind way, what it is that we want and need. Men want direct-instructions with heart. If a man is interested in a woman, he will just about do ANYTHING to make her happy. If you ask most men, and it’s in their power to get it done, they will do it, and be proud of it. All we need to do is praise, acknowledge and be direct in what the projects are. It’s frustrating for a man to set out and do something that he believes is the right thing to do, and then get reprimanded for not doing it the right way. Their egos are bruised, which no one-man or woman wants to feel.
- Everyone, not just men, want to feel appreciated, and the way to a man’s heart is the way in which he wishes to receive appreciation. Check out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com and begin speaking his language. This is important because the way in which you show your love may not be the way in which he wants to receive it. This process has saved many a relationship and helped determine those to leave.
Communication is key. Be direct. Don’t assume. Leave room in your heart for the right person. And of course, love like there is no tomorrow-because nothing is a given.
Lori Mendelsohn, Matchmaker and Dating Coach. Lori can be reached at www.smartfunnysingle.com